Tonight I was looking through old photos and reading old blog posts, and I was a little surprised to see that I’ve somehow managed to gain weight since 2006 when I lived in Dallas.  It led me to closer examine what my lifestyle differences were.  Some of you may or may not be surprised to know that the biggest difference is that I ate almost all organics at the time.

I was quite the believer in the holistic lifestyle at the time, and it was hard not to be.  I was surrounded by hippies, and began to see the changes in the way I felt and looked when I ate whole foods.

So I took a little grocery trip this evening and bought a few things that were once familiar to my palate.

This is my favorite bulk granola to mix with yogurt for breakfast.  I have a hard time eating breakfast, but waking up to this makes it SO much easier!

This is my favorite bulk granola to mix with yogurt for breakfast. I have a hard time eating breakfast, but waking up to this makes it SO much easier!

YUM!  If you like a tangy dressing, this is what you need.  I love this stuff.

YUM! If you like a tangy dressing, this is what you need. I love this stuff.

Fresh spinach! I bought enough for about five meal-sized salads.

Ok, so maybe this bread is slightly tough, but it tastes great and is great for you, so I can chew a little bit more to enjoy its benefits.

Ok, so maybe this bread is slightly tough, but it tastes great and is great for you, so I can chew a little bit more to enjoy its benefits.

This may be the most glorious bit of advice that Craig ever gave me...  I am in LOVE with this stuff.  I used it just tonight to sweeten some coffee!

This may be the most glorious bit of advice that Craig ever gave me... I am in LOVE with this stuff. I used it just tonight to sweeten some coffee!

I also bought some vegetarian-fed chicken breast, some 365 canned veggies, local eggs, and other various sundries.

You think I’m nuts?

I’m an hour past my bedtime, but I’ll do this, just for Blake.

My week without technology was… quiet.  In the very best of ways, it was quiet.

I thought a lot and talked less than usual.  I certainly got more sleep than usual.  I prayed often, which hasn’t been happening lately.

It’s amazing.  I had the drive to work out more.  I had the drive to do more housework.  Most importantly, again, I had the drive to focus on my relationship with God, which often suffers.

Who knows?  A lenten fast of technology may be fast approaching.

And no, that doesn’t mean I’m Catholic.

An interesting facet of my emerging personality is that I am happiest sitting quietly and watching people interact. That probably sounds funny to the people who know me best because generally speaking, I never shut up. That’s beside the point.

I love thinking about people’s motivations and the small nuances of their words and actions. Today, as I waded around in a pool and looked on at members of my community group, though, I couldn’t think of anything but myself.

I thought of my less-than-stellar commitment to health; I thought of the incredible shape that my cohorts are in, and of their dedication to fitness. I thought of the sins I’m currently struggling through; I thought about the way I’ve seen others really persevere through those times, seeking counsel and praying fervently– two things I’m not doing… especially the prayer part. I thought of the earthly gifts that God gives to me that I actively and knowingly squander; I thought of how responsible and conscientious others are about their time and resources.

I thought about all of these things and more, and silently came up with a game plan. A plan of attack. I brainstormed on a Godly way to refocus. And so, I’m going to be quiet for a while. I won’t be online for a while. My hang-outs will be very intentional and with purpose. I’m going to try and form some new habits and work through some issues with the Lord. And I could really, really use your prayer while doing so.

I’m going to be on leave for at least two weeks. If you need me, call me or stop by my house. I won’t be checking email or Facebook or MySpace. And again, please pray for me during this time of focus and renewal. I’m going to need all of the God-given strength I can get.


We are gathered in cathedrals on a Sunday
We are shrouded in our pride and lusts despair
We have heard that You said to go to where your hearts once were
Trusting wed arrive to find You there
We have known the empty senses of a funeral
We are haunted by the promises of death
We have asked to see Your face and noticed nothing
But a well-timed honest smile from a friend,
Oh we of little faith,
Oh You of stubborn grace
We are the beggars at the foot of Gods door
We have grown cold to the kisses of our lovers
We have rolled the windows up and driven through
The forests of the autumn,
The innocence of snow
The metaphor of Jesus in the dew
We have known the heated passion of the cold night
We have sold ourselves to everything we hate
Were hypocrites and politicians running from a fight
Weve cheated on a very jealous mate,
Oh we of little faith,
Oh You stubborn grace
We are the beggars at the foot of Gods door
We have known the pain of loving in a dying world
And our lies have made us angry at the truth
But Cinderellas slipper fits us perfectly
And somehow were made royalty with You,
Oh we of little faith,
Oh You of stubborn grace
We are the beggars at the foot of Gods door
And You have welcomed us in

-”We Are The Beggars at the Foot of God’s Door”, The Normals

A great article by a conservative guy about what I believe about nutrition. Thanks, Tom, for pointing it out.

Food for Thought
Renewing the culinary culture should be a conservative cause.

by John Schwenkler

Alice Waters might not seem like a conservative. A veteran of Berkeley’s Free Speech Movement, who once cooked a $25,000-a-seat fundraising dinner for Bill Clinton, she eagerly compares her campaign for “edible schoolyards”—where children work with instructors to grow, prepare, and eat fresh produce—to John F. Kennedy’s attempt to improve physical fitness through mandatory exercise. Her dream of organic, locally and sustainably produced food in every school cafeteria, class credit for lunch hour, and required gardening time and cooking classes is as utopian as they come. The name she has given her gastronomic movement, the “Delicious Revolution,” strikes the ear as one part fuzzy-headed Marxism, the other Brooksian bobo-speak. This woman is not, as they say, one of us.

But a closer look tells a different story. In a 1997 talk, Waters quoted from an essay by Francine du Plessix Grey about the film “Kids,” which portrays the sex-, drug-, and violence-crazed lives of a circle of New York teenagers. Du Plessix Grey writes of being haunted by the adolescents’ “feral” and “boorishly gulped” fast-food diet: “we may,” she suggests, “be witnessing the first generation in history that has not been required to participate in that primal rite of socialization, the family meal.” Such an activity “is not only the core curriculum in the school of civilizing discourse; it is also a set of protocols that curb our natural savagery and our animal greed, and cultivate a capacity for sharing and thoughtfulness.” These teenagers “are deprived of the main course of civilized life—the practice of sitting down at the dinner table and observing the attendant conventions.”

Today’s children, Waters goes on to say, “are bombarded with a pop culture which teaches redemption through buying things.” But schoolyard gardens, like the one she helped create at the middle school a few blocks from my home in Berkeley, “turn pop culture upside-down: they teach redemption through a deep appreciation for the real, the authentic, and the lasting—for the things that money can’t buy: the very things that matter most of all if we are going to lead sane, healthy, and sustainable lives. Kids who learn environmental and nutritional lessons through school gardening—and school cooking and eating—learn ethics.” Good cooking, she writes in the introduction to her 2007 cookbook, The Art of Simple Food, “can reconnect our families and communities with the most basic human values, provide the deepest delight for all our senses, and assure our well-being for a lifetime.”

The proposal, put slightly differently, is that our attitudes toward food—which nourishes and sustains us, which binds us most fundamentally to place, family, market, and community—provide a measure of our respect for what Russell Kirk called the “Permanent Things.” We are not just what we eat but how we eat. The cultivation and consumption of our meals are activities as distinctively human as walking, talking, loving, and praying. Learning to regard the meal not merely as something that fills our bellies and helps us grow, but as the consummate exercise of beings carnal and earthbound yet upwardly and outwardly drawn, is a crucial step in the restoration of culture. The suggestion that the inculcation of such values might be an essential part of an adequate education ought to resonate beyond the confines of the doctrinaire Left.

Adopting an alternative view of food does not require rejecting the possibility of a free and prosperous market economy. Indeed, the rise of the New American Diet—meals eaten in a rush and very often alone, made from processed and prepackaged ingredients—was not solely or even primarily the product of Adam Smith’s invisible hand. Historian Harvey Levenstein has argued that the spate of government regulations in the wake of early 20th-century food-safety scares played a crucial role in the rise of industrialized agriculture and centralized food processors. Early nutritionists and home economists, many distinctly of the quack variety, found a key ally in their attempts to reform American cuisine in Herbert Hoover’s Food Administration. The goal of reducing consumption of scarce foods and eating in accordance with “scientific” principles was tied to the cause of Allied victory in the First World War.

Official dietary guidelines inevitably became the product of collaboration between government agencies and representatives of the industries that stand to benefit. The substitution of state-sponsored nutritionist technocracy for the collective wisdom of taste, instinct, common sense, and tradition is a perfect example of the triumph of Tocqueville’s feared “immense tutelary power” (“absolute, detailed, regular, far-seeing, and mild”). The same goes for the extraordinary industrialization and global “flattening” of our culinary economy, which Waters’s focus on community gardening, seasonal eating, and local markets is meant to combat.

Heavily concentrated industries demand expansive and centralized government. The converse is also true: bigger businesses are easier to regulate than smaller ones, and economies of scale are good for economic growth. “Get big or get out,” Dwight Eisenhower’s secretary of agriculture told American farmers—a directive updated to “bigger” by Earl Butz, the infamous Nixon agriculture secretary who instructed farmers to abandon crop rotation and plant “from fencerow to fencerow.”

Price controls and multibillion-dollar farm subsidies prop up corporate agribusiness and discourage smaller producers from trying to find alternative market niches. Real local autonomy—setting regulatory standards that do not conform to national or international ones, restriction or taxation of imports or exports, and preservation of place-specific forms of agriculture and animal husbandry—is undermined because it makes for economic inefficiency. The natural capacities of location, season, and culture to link people together and shape the ways they farm and eat are countered by artificial measures designed to maximize yield.

But it is exactly these social and cultural dimensions of our culinary economy—the centralization of processing and production into an ever shrinking number of multinational corporations, the incredible distances over which food travels before it reaches our tables (an average of 1,500 miles in the United States), the loss of idiosyncratic foods and food cultures, and so on—that should raise the greatest concerns for traditional conservatives. “Eating is an agricultural act,” writes Wendell Berry. But Slow Food International founder Carlo Petrini argues that it is also a political one—a deed no less significant than the ways we cast our votes. Hence even the smallest acts of resistance to the hegemony of the present system, where corporate representatives and industry-funded scientists at public universities collaborate with government officials on regulatory policies and nutritional guidelines, are crucial steps in recovering local culture and reconstituting our “little platoons.” This will nurture the ability to govern—or resist being governed.

The seeds of change are already being sown. Many American cities are transforming blighted urban districts with neighborhood farms that raise food not just for consumption by those who grow it but for sale in local markets. In 2007, a group of teenagers at a community farm in Brooklyn brought in $25,000, and a nonprofit organization that runs a one-acre plot in Milwaukee grossed over $220,000 in local sales.

The website LocalHarvest.org lists over 3,600 farmers markets in the U.S., and the number of Community Supported Agriculture programs, in which supporters pay a set fee in exchange for regular shares of the produce from a local farm, grew from 50 nationwide to over 1,500 between 1990 and 2005. Such efforts give growers and buyers the opportunity to relate to one another—one study showed that shoppers at farmers markets have 10 times as many conversations as those at supermarkets. These local ventures also provide families with fresh produce and allow farmers to diversify their crops and receive a far greater rate of return than when they deal with corporate middlemen.

Many of our best food writers are in full-throated rebellion against the corporate-industrial-governmental nutrition establishment. Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food deconstructs the pretensions of “food science” in often hilarious fashion and distills all you need to know about eating into three directives: Eat food (as opposed to things with unfamiliar or unpronounceable ingredients, packaged “food products” that make government-sanctioned health claims, and pretty much anything from the middle aisles of the grocery store); Not too much (go for quality over quantity, and eat at a table, with others); Mostly plants (in unprocessed form when possible). Nina Planck’s Real Food takes the traditionalist counterculture to the extreme by denouncing veganism and extolling the health benefits of everything from cheese, lard, butter, and raw milk to eggs, beef, chocolate, and wine. And Waters’s wonderful new cookbook offers a step-by-step course in keeping a kitchen and preparing a range of dishes that, though simple, require time and effort to put together and are a joy to eat.

There are, of course, elements of leftism and elitism here. Pollan, for example, has a puzzling line in which he condemns as “shameful” the fact that not all Americans “can afford to eat high-quality food.” It is sad, to be sure, and we should strive to remedy it, but life’s inevitabilities do not warrant our shame. And while Bill McKibben, in his brilliant communitarian manifesto, Deep Economy, takes care to insist that his program is not one that can be driven by top-down governance, Petrini very often rails against free markets, suggesting at one point in his Slow Food Nation that contemporary China’s “political homogeneity” and exploitation of labor and the environment are “the embodiment of perfect capitalism.” (The Chinese economic system, he says, is only “nominally communist.” One wonders what he made of the agricultural policies of the Soviet Union.) But that doesn’t alter the value of the Slow Food vision of a world of “gastronomes,” attentive to taste and cognizant of the sources of their food, and of thriving local markets driven by “economies of place.”

Proponents of a new way of eating are on shakier ground when they claim that a widespread turn toward small-scale and deindustrialized agriculture would not affect crop yields. McKibben proudly cites a study in which sustainable farming methods were found to lead, on average, to a near doubling of food production per hectare. He does not mention the many cases in which results have been less impressive. A much discussed study published in the journal Science in 2002 found that switching to organic farming reduced yields by 20 percent, though the possibility of lessening our reliance on petroleum may be worth the investment of some extra land. Reincorporating into the human food chain some of the millions of acres where corn and sorghum are now grown for ethanol production would also make a great difference.

But no reasonable person wants to remake the world or do away with modern agricultural technologies all together. The best solutions will come through honest, case-by-case engagement with the subtle demands of specific situations. As the UC Berkeley agroecologist Miguel Altieri puts it, a sound approach to agriculture “does not seek to formulate solutions that will be valid for everyone but encourages people to choose the technologies best suited to the requirements of each particular situation, without imposing them.” (That this could just as well be the summary of the ideal domestic or foreign policy ought to argue in its favor.) Respect for tradition and social and ecological responsibility can work together with technological innovation and capitalist resourcefulness to respect the ridges and valleys of regionalism in an increasingly flattened world.

Efforts to realize this vision ought to figure centrally in the projects of social and cultural renewal that traditional conservatives see as essential precedents to meaningful political reform. Neighborhood gardens, cooking classes in schools and church basements, and the promotion of local and co-operative markets are the kinds of projects that will build community; revitalize regional economies; encourage stable, healthy families; and instill the kinds of civic attitudes that make centralized government appear burdensome. These are not merely aesthetic or gustatory concerns, nor are they essentially private or familial ones: eating is part of our politics, too.

But things will have to take root in our kitchens first. It is here that Waters’s cookbook, which begins with the basics and consistently encourages the reader to modify recipes and vary ingredients with the seasons, provides as good an introduction as one could hope for. Each Friday, my wife and I walk with our 1-year-old son to a house down the street where we pick up a box of just picked produce and pastured eggs from a nearby farm. Nigel Walker, who runs the farm and also has a stand at San Francisco’s Ferry Plaza Farmers Market, was involved in a nasty public spat with Carlo Petrini after an essay in Slow Food Nation called the prices at the Ferry Plaza Market “astronomical” and “boutique-y” and its clientele “extremely exclusive.” But at $24.50, my family’s haul this week—lettuce, mixed leafy greens, arugula, potatoes, beets or summer squash, lemon verbena, cherries, peaches, carrots, strawberries, and chard—will cost us about $8.50 less than similar (but non-organic, less fresh, and markedly lower-quality) produce from the local Safeway.

As with many CSA’s, our farm box comes with a newsletter that suggests recipes for some of its more exotic contents. But of late we’ve been making a point to turn to The Art of Simple Food whenever possible. So carrot soup, summer squash gratin with homegrown herbs, marinated beet salad, and wilted chard with onions are likely candidates for the days ahead. Obviously this is especially easy to pull off in the hometown of Alice Waters and Michael Pollan, the birthplace of Chez Panisse and California cuisine. It is, however, increasingly within the reach of anyone who wants to try.

Renewing the culinary culture, and restoring the kinds of values that are necessary for the proper functioning of a healthy republic, is not the sort of thing that can be left to activists, environmentalists, and government bureaucrats. This is a conservative cause if ever there was one, and it is going to have to begin at home. The revolution is coming. And it’s sure to be delicious.

_________________________________

John Schwenkler is a doctoral candidate in philosophy at the University of California, Berkeley.

…if there is nothing you need rescue from?

As I shared coffee with Ben tonight, we pondered this question. It is very disturbing/sad to know that the prevailing attitude of the Church is that messy is failure. We hear the Gospel. We understand that we are in desperate need of the grace given at the Cross. And then apparently, we’re supposed to be perfect. No mess-ups allowed. If you mess up, there just might be a problem with your salvation. Your ‘fruit’ comes into question. Criticism comes flying across the aisles, kicking us while we are down.

But the thing is that the danger doesn’t only come from one another. While we’re standing around shaking the hands of the family with whom we share our pew, we’re thinking to ourselves, “Am I smiling enough? Do I come across as caring and genuine? It’s probably obvious I’m dying inside. They can never know, or they’ll toss me out of this joint!” We turn away from the life preserver so as to not get caught considering grabbing hold of it, and so we’re drowning.

Do I believe the Gospel? Do I believe that I am utterly helpless without the hand of the Father? If I really do, then why am I not desperately clinging to it? And why am I not grabbing hold of my brother and dragging him closer as well?

I often write about how music impacts my life.  I was talking with a friend who is just about music-obsessed as I am, and it occurred to me that there are just some musicians and bands and songs which made such an impression on me that I was invariably changed from that point forward. I thought it would be fun (maybe just for me) to take a look back and evaluate what that music was and talk about it a little.  I’m not going to drag it out into a series though.  You get it all right here, right now (context clue, folks!).

Songs From the Big Chair, Tears for Fears, 1985
My mom was in college when I was five, and every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, she would get my infant brother and me up at about 5:am and drive us to the babysitter.  Each morning, I would rewind the tape in the tape deck to the beginning, and turn up the volume to a level where my mom wouldn’t protest.  Shout! Shout! Let it all out! These are the things I can do without!  Come on, I’m talking to you! Come on! would come screaming from the speakers, and I would sing along equally as emphatically.  I think eventually moved past the first song on the tape and fell equally as in love with every song on the album.

Hangin’ Tough, New Kids on the Block, 1988
Every year at Christmas, my grandmother bought me a new radio with a tape player, because inevitably at some point throughout the previous year I’d have worn out the former radio with rewinding, fast-forwarding, recording, playing, and toting it along anywhere I went.  When I was eight, not only did I get a new radio with a tape player, but I also got two new tapes: Richard Marx and New Kids on the Block.  Just like every other eight year old I knew in 1988, I was OBSESSED with NKOTB.  Within a week of receiving that gift, I knew every word of every song, and had watched my cousin’s video of one of their concerts at least two hundred times, all the while dreaming of what it would be like to marry Joey, because I just KNEW that he was singing to me.  I got in trouble in English class that year for not paying attention, and instead pairing my first name with Joey’s last name.  Stephanie McIntyre.  Has a nice ring to it, no?

Out of Time, REM, 1991
I’ve blogged about the summer when I heard “Losing My Religion” before, I think.  I was staying with my grandmother, and I was music-obsessed even moreso than usual.  I will never forget her fury when my grandma walked in and heard those lyrics blasting from my radio.  To her, nothing good could come from any song with a title so scandelous.

Doubt, Jesus Jones, 1991
From the music revolution summer, as I’ve come to call it, came Right Here, Right Now, which remains one of my all-time favorite songs.  It didn’t bring any drama like Losing My Religion, but it definitely opened my eyes to a new concept: smart and beautiful lyrics.  All at once.  At eleven, I knew nothing of the Cold War or its swift end, but I did know that I was changing and growing, and so the meaning of those words were so personal to me.

Ten, Pearl Jam, 1992 (popular in 1993)
Most people name Nirvana when you talk about the height of grunge.  I won’t be one of them.  I liked Nirvana alright, but when I asked for and actually received this album for Christmas when I was thirteen (you have no idea how huge that was), my scope of music and songwriting changed dramatically.  When I was thirteen, I was angry.  So was Eddie Vedder.  When I was thirteen, I was sad.  So was Eddie Vedder.  When I was thirteen, I craved a revolution.  So did Eddie Vedder.  I recall on our travels to San Angelo for Christmas with my grandmother, sitting the back of our station wagon with headphones on, drowning out the sounds of the family with the words of Black pouring into my ears.

August and Everything After, Counting Crows, 1994
The nineties provided a smorgasbord of musical greatness for me, so I’m having to be selective or I’d write all day.  I began dating Jason off and on around this time, and we loved sitting on the tailgate of his pickup singing I belong in the service of the Queen/I belong anywhere but in between/She’s been dying/I been drinking and I am the Rain King. I began to hear poetry in lyrics in a way that I hadn’t before.  I began to draw my own conclusions from the metaphors found in modern music, and I loved the freedom that came with that.

What’s the Story Morning Glory?, Oasis, 1995
One of my all-time favorite songs remains Wonderwall.  My enthusiasm for smart lyrics that actually meant something grew stronger, and my appreciation for the muscianship that accompanied them pointed me directly to Oasis.  Ok, and who doesn’t think that Liam Gallagher is one of the hottest men alive?  I recall sitting in a zero-hour health class, where we watched music videos for the duration, and being enamored with Champagne Supernova each time it came on– same time every morning.  I was strangely one of the only people I knew who were into Oasis at the time.

Down Goes the Day, Chris Taylor, 1998
I’d just moved to San Antonio, and while working at a small Christian bookstore, someone invited me to go hear a live concert in a coffeehouse across the street.  Turned out it was my now dear friend, Chris Taylor. The concept of a coffeehouse singer/songwriter was very new to me, and once I went, I found I was definitely digging the just my guitar and me vibe. It changed my taste in music considerably from that point on.  I bought his CD and followed him around to hear his live shows, and eventually we became friends.  I still go to his live shows regularly.

Caedmon’s Call, Caedmon’s Call, 1997 (I heard it in 199 8)
Prior to one of his shows, the coffeehouse in which we sat was playing music that I’d never heard before, probably because I tended to zone out Christian music, because… well… it’s generally bad.  Everything I do/It’s not enough for you  These words were strangely attractive to me.  They resonated with me in a way that I wasn’t sure how to describe.  I went to work the next day and bought this CD, and played it non-stop.  I played it at work.  I played it at school.  I played it in my car.  I played it until I had to replace it.  And then I bought more.  I found My Calm//Your Storm, Just Don’t Want Coffee, and Intimate Portrait and played them over and over as well.  The lyrics said something to me about a God I knew nothing about, despite my eighteen years in church.  The music was organic and familiar.  The harmonies were fun and inspiring.  In the coming years I found myself at Guild Weekends (that were very cold!), buying CDs, going to concerts, traveling to foreign countries, joining message boards, making friends, and sectioning off an entire portion of my life for this band, and I’m not sorry for any of it.

Heartbreaker, Ryan Adams, 2000
I’m listing Heartbreaker because it was the first in the slew of albums that Ryan Adams has released as a solo artists that have rocked me.  Jason and I were still trying to figure out what exactly we were doing, and we had this thing where we’d call one another and leave voicemails of songs that meant something.  I was searching for the perfect lyrics to express how I felt that day and came across these: Oh baby why do I miss you like I do/ Oh I miss my sweet/ And the birds all singing blue/ And white/ And white/ Call me on your way back home dear/ Cause I miss you.  I was smitten.  I immediately went out and bought this album and wore it out.  The rest is history.  I buy every album this dude puts out without discretion.

She Must And Shall Go Free, Derek Webb, 2003
Where to begin, where to begin.  When the news that Derek had left Caedmon’s Call began circulating, it was only eclipsed by the news that he was releasing a solo album and (gasp!) promoting it in bars.  I immediately found his website where I joined his message board, now referred to as “The Green Board”.  I began reading what people had to say… about Derek… about his beliefs… and I was appalled.  DEREK WEBB BELIEVES IN PREDESTINATION?!  Shock.  Uneasiness.  I continued reading with enthusiastic freaked-out-ness.  The album finally dropped in March of that year, and I was living on campus as UTSA.  I’d joined up with a street team from Grassroots Music who was promoting the new album (where I met my now friend, Christine), and I’d just received an advance copy.  Immediately I popped it into my CD player, anxious to hear what would come out. OH MY WORD.  Did he just say…? NO!  He just said WHORE!  And BASTARD!  And he’s talking about THE CHURCH?! By this point, the “Green Board” had been replaced by a brownish one, and talk swirled about the implications of Derek’s songs.  Secretly, I thought about the implications of me believing what these songs were saying.  The summer that followed this release would be intense.  Up until 3 or 4 on the message board.  Up at 6:30 for work.  Rinse.  Repeat.  I couldn’t take my mind off of what people were talking about.  Reformed?  Calvinism?  Solas?  The Gospel isn’t what I thought?  People made me mad, but man, did they make me think.  WAIT A MINUTE.  This is what that song on the Caedmon’s record was talking about… Everything I do… Not enough for You… After a move to Lubbock and back, my eyes were opened to the truth.  The rest is my present life.

I can’t say that my life has been particularly changed by any music since then, but I must admit, it’s getting more and more fun all of the time.  I’m actually going back and discovering all that I’d missed by, you know, not being born prior to 1980 and loving the contributions of musicians past.  I can’t really say, either, that this list is in any way comprehensive.  There are far too many left out or forgotten until the next time I hear their music or come across their album.  I’m sure I’ll get comments about those omitted, and I’m all for that, so go for it.

I just completed day eight of my new job, and I still love it!  I can’t tell you where I work or give away too many details that just might identify it, though.  There is an entire “blog” policy.  I could actually get fired for blogging about my place of employment too much.

So I’ll leave it at this:  we have the BEST Muzak EVER!

I get to sit at my desk and work to the tunes of Patty Griffin, Wilco, Ryan Adams, Calexico, Dave Barnes (yes, THAT Dave Barnes), Rosie Thomas, and a slew of nineties tunes.  I am in work heaven.  LOVE it.

Beyond that, I’m absolutely exhausted and trying desperately to get rid of this headache I’ve had all day long.  So I’m taking a nap.

And contemplating whether to actually follow through on my threat to blog about the Church.

And laughing because I know Rae just rolled his eyes at me.

Despite my best efforts to weasle my way out of relationships that expose me for who I am, I know that I am loved, and loved deeply… and that is SO SCARY.

I am loved spiritually.

I am loved physically.

I am loved emotionally.

I am loved in ways that are incredibly intimate.

And maybe that’s the scariest part of all.

For too, too long, I found my comfort in the arms of men who made me feel loved, if only for half an hour or so. But to be loved in ways that are not sexual, but rather confrontational and far more intense than sex could ever be is so far beyond what I ever thought love was.

And I’m grateful.  But oh so scared about what implications this love brings.

So over the weekend it occurred to me that for such a very long time when I thought about my sin I considered it as a very general, obtuse, and distant thing.  There is certainly no question that I DO sin, nor is there any question that Christ died for my sin, past and future.  Although, following a sermon I listened to on the topic of repentance, I was troubled by the thought that I’d not considered the idea that Christ died for each and every one of my sins, at least not since my salvation, and further that I avoid thinking about my “sin” as individual acts of defiance and instead somewhat justify them by thinking them as this lump sum of “bad”.

The truth is that I’ve sort of prided myself as someone who was open to sanctification and would freely acknowledge my sin, when all along, I was exactly the opposite.  I suppose that acknowledging my sin as SINS rather than this abstract concept would mean that I would actually have to confess and thus deal with them.

The sermon also brought about a thought I’d NEVER considered before.  Repentance is a result of God’s pursuit of me.  It isn’t something that I do on my own, or that I would ever be able to do on my own.  For my entire life, I’ve thought that repentance was simply something that we were commanded to do.  Considering my flawed view of sin, for this I’m incredibly grateful!

Our Savior died to save me from the gluttony and selfishness of my poor food decisions; the laziness that keeps me planted on my couch; the fear and more selfishness that keeps me from calling certain people back who pursue the real me; these and so many more individual sins which I fail to acknowledge on a daily basis.

And He pursues me with random sermons.  He seeks me while leaving the 99 behind.  He searches my heart and knows that I’m a failure, yet He died for my SINS anyway.  Each and every one of them.

  • There are CPS workmen in my backyard, and I’m assuming my electricity will go out at any minute.
  • Willie is about to get beat because he won’t stop freaking out at said workers.
  • The workers are about to get beat because they won’t stop taunting Willie.
  • I’m drying laundry so that I can pack to go to Dallas/Lake Jacksonville for a few days.
  • THERE IS A BACKHOE IN MY BACKYARD.
  • Alanis Morrisette’s new song is on VH1 and it’s actually kind of good.
  • THERE IS A BACKHOE IN MY BACKYARD.
  • My ankle is killing me.  Stupid fitness dreams.
  • THERE IS A BACKHOE IN MY BACKYARD.
  • Jesse Jackson is in T-R-O-U-B-L-E!
  • There is no longer a backhoe in my backyard.
  • I’m burning a great mix disc to entertain me on my drive.
  • I very well may have made a deal with the devil considering to what job I just applied.
  • THERE IS A BACKHOE IN MY BACKYARD.